


How Betty Got Her Groove Back

by Maverick



Category: Boa vs Python/Thoughtcrimes
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-02
Updated: 2010-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 21:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maverick/pseuds/Maverick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title says it all...</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Betty Got Her Groove Back

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in my [Constricted Universe](http://thepokey.popullus.net/constricted_cover.html) but can be read as a standalone story. Also, my knowledge of boa biology is limited, however it's still more accurate than the makers of _Boa vs. Python_ as I am aware that boas give birth to live offspring instead of eggs like in the movie.

Brendan prided himself on being ready for anything. Working with Freya prepared him for that. Some days you found out that the nefarious criminal mastermind you've been tracking wasn't carrying weapons in his shiny briefcase, but instead he had a stash of coloring books and crayons because he liked to color while his henchmen tortured people. And other days you discovered that you're really damn happy that you aren't the one who can read minds. Secondhand knowledge that the FBI liaison is following in J. Edgar Hoover's illustrious footsteps by wearing woman's underwear beneath his suit is more than close enough.

It was the same at home with Emmett. You can only come home so many times and see your life partner making a snake regurgitate its prey in your sink until you were immune to just about anything. That was until Brendan came home one night to find Emmett scrolling through profiles of what could only be called Internet dating, snake style.

Brendan sidled up behind him and ran his thumb along the scruff at the back of Emmett's neck. "Do I need to gently break it to Betty that you're cheating on her?"

Emmett tilted his head back into Brendan's touch and smirked. "Betty knows me better than that. I'm a one snake kinda guy."

Brendan leaned down and kissed him for that because he knew Emmett wasn't just talking about Betty. Not that Brendan wasn't going to give him grief just because he could. "Says the guy with at least four different species of snakes just in this apartment alone."

Emmett turned back to the profiles on the screen. "Only three. I gave Floyd to Ford at lunch today."

Brendan took off his suit coat and slung it over the back of the couch. "So not only are you cheating on Betty, you're having clandestine dates with NSA agents that aren't me."

Emmett turned to face Brendan and winked. "Well Ford is kind of hot and he really wanted to handle my snake."

Brendan pulled off his tie and tossed it on top of the jacket. One would think snake jokes would get old, but with Emmett they never ever did. Popping open the button on his dress shirt, he walked back over to stand behind Emmett. He rested his arms on Emmett's shoulders. "We don't have to go to his nephew's party right?"

Emmett shook his head. "No, providing the most awesome gift a ten year old boy who's into reptiles could ever get should be suffice."

Draping himself over Emmett back, Brendan talked directly into Emmett's ear. "So that still doesn't explain why you're trying to hook up with other exotic snakes on the Internet."

"Trying to find Betty a mate."

"Is that possible?"

Emmett turned his head and raised an eyebrow.

"I mean how many other 70ft snakes are out there?" Brendan rewound what he just said and shuddered. "Strike that. I really don't want to know."

Of course Emmett was going to answer that question anyway. "To my knowledge, none. But if I can find a good 20 or 30ft male, we might be in business."

"And you're trying to make Betty get jiggy with it because?"

"Chemistry."

"Explain."

"For the first time since the fiasco in Philly, Betty's been emitting a scent from her cloaca which means she's primed to mate. And as boas are ovovivparous." Emmett stopped to see if he needed to explain to Brendan what ovovivparous meant."

"Gives birth to live young," Brendan said with a kiss to Emmett's temple. "I've learned a thing or two hanging out with you Dr. Emmett."

This time, Emmett waggled his eyebrows. "Yes you have, but what that means is if Betty has a successful gestation, she could have a litter of 60 plus offspring or more. And that's a lot of antivenin that could be harvested."

Which meant that Emmett's research would hopefully come to fruition. Brendan pulled up a chair next to Emmett. "Well then, let's find our girl a date."

Leaning over, Emmett kissed him. "I'm totally telling her you said that."

"That's fine. Betty and I had a long chat a while back. She knows you and I are a package deal and she agreed to share you with me. She also promised to eat anybody else who made the moves on you. So you should tell Ford to watch out."

Emmett laughed. "We both know who Ford is crushing on."

"Yes and sadly he does not stand a chance. Freya is out of his league."

Emmett nodded. "True, but once we find Betty a mate, we should concentrate on Freya."

It was Brendan's turn to laugh. "Good luck with that buddy. I'll take good care of Betty when Freya kills you."

~*~*~*~*~

 

Brendan watched amused as Emmett paced back and forth in front of Betty's viewing window. The last time Emmett had been this nervous... Actually, Brendan had never seen Emmett this nervous. Emmett had this zen quality about him that Brendan envied. While they both worked well under pressure, Emmett never seemed to show the after effects. Sure he could get angry and his default setting was sarcasm, but he didn't normally suffer from nerves. So watching him pace like that set off alarm bells for Brendan. Time for a little distraction. "That's quite the case of performance anxiety you've got going on there Doc."

Emmett looked over at Brendan and frowned. "Well, she is literally twice his size."

So not the best opening volley. "I thought you always told me size doesn't matter?"

Emmett rolled his eyes. That was better. "Funny Dean. See if you're laughing if she crushes him to death and I'm paying the San Diego zoo upwards of a quarter of a million bucks to replace their snake."

Brendan braced his hand against the observation window. "You're kidding, right?"

Emmett shrugged. "About her crushing him? No. I was however smart enough to get them to sign a contract that says they will not seek compensation if the worst happens."

Walking over to Emmett, Brendan massaged the other man's shoulders. "What are they getting out of the deal?"

Emmett closed his eyes and visibly relaxed under Brendan's fingertips. "Live streaming video from Betty's environment through the pregnancy and after. Not to mention up to 20 of the offspring depending on the size of the litter."

"That's worth the chance of their snake getting crushed?"

"Betty's a special girl. Being the only 70ft scarlet queen boa in existence means you put on quite a floor show.

Floor show? Brendan could feel his eyes go what must have looked like cartoon big. "They're not gonna watch them..."

Emmett laughed. "Oh, if only Freya was here to describe the horrible images running through your mind right now. And no, we're gonna give Betty a little privacy to let nature take its course."

Brendan was glad to see the nervousness was gone, his little freak out had been worth it. Then again, he also wanted to be sure. "We're not going to watch either, are we?" He loved Betty. He really did, but he had no desire to watch her get her freak on.

Emmett grabbed both their coats and handed one to Brendan. "Nope. You are taking me out to lunch complete with a beer or six and we're going to come back in a few hours to hopefully find Betty and Kolya both alive and well and smoking the figurative aftersex cigarette."

~*~*~*~*~

 

Three weeks later Emmett walked into the kitchen where Brendan was doing the dishes and squeezed him from behind, lifting him off the floor. "We're having a baby. Or hopefully 60 or more of them."

When Emmett set him back down, Brendan turned around in his arms. "It took?"

Emmett nodded and kissed him. "Betty started her post ovulation shed today. We should have a litter of baby Betties in about 4 months."

Brendan wrapped his sudsy hands around Emmett's neck. "Congratulations, Dr. Emmett. I think we need to celebrate."

Emmett nuzzled his mouth against Brendan's jaw. "What did you have in mind, Agent Dean?"

"I thought you might let me charm your snake."

Emmett laughed, grabbing Brendan's hand and tugging him toward the bedroom. "See, snake innuendo. It just never gets old."

"Very true. And now that Betty's got her groove back, I figure it's our time now."

Emmett stopped and took Brendan's face in his hands, leaning in to kiss him long and dirty. "Thank you for supporting me through this."

"Hey, as I said a while back, Betty's my girl too. I know you came as a package deal."

"Just like you and me," Emmett said, walking Brendan backward toward the bed.

"Oh yeah," Brendan said bringing his mouth to Emmett's. When he pulled back for air, he had a horrible thought.

Emmett studied Brendan's face, his hand coming up to cup Brendan's jaw. "Now who's having performance anxiety?"

Brendan shook his head. "It's not that. I just had a thought."

"Care to share?"

"Emmett, what happens if all of Betty's offspring grow to be her size?"

Emmett laughed and pushed Brendan down onto the bed. "You're worrying about this now?"

"You'd need a much larger facility."

"We've got lots of time to figure it out. Right now, I was promised a celebration. We can panic later."

Brendan knew that when Emmett said "we", he meant Brendan. And really Brendan was okay with that. He'd learn to adapt, eventually. Later. Right now, he had more important things to concentrate on. Like how to show Emmett that he -- unlike Betty -- had never lost his groove. Not when he had Emmett there to boogie right along with him.


End file.
